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Good poetry, it seems,
Is lists.

Lists of facts.
I love you.
I despise you.
I eat an orange, peeled from
north to south, every Sunday.

Lists of randomness.
An eagle, broken in its nest.
A doll with its arms torn off.
The sound of a man swallowing,
Who has just murdered a cat.

Good poetry, is seems,
Is anatomy.
Ribs, white, cradling a bloody heart
Like a new-born child.
Love, composed of
Sweat, and
        Skin
             Evisceration
                      The final day of
      The Somme
burning in his eyes.

I shall insert      a caesura
(or should it be a caesarean?)
in which the child died
in which the mother reacted
as a 1950s heroine,
with emotion choked inside.

I should end with

A list.

1. Your fingers
2. The inside of an eggshell
3. Cracks between paving-stones
4. The flowers that grow in them
5. Beginnings
6. Endings.
:iconaconitum-napellus:

Author's Comments

Not meant nastily, but just in jealousy over all the wonderful poems people write, that I can't copy. I'm feeling very jealous at the moment. That's when I start uploading rubbish...

Critiques


:iconloverandsynner:
Alright. This is the first critique I've written, so feedback and patience is welcomed.

You seem to think that you cannot write poetry. Where did you get this insane idea? While it's unconventional (which is technically what poetry is about!), it manages to be both amusing and thoughtful.

"The sound of a man swallowing,
Who has just murdered a cat"
Is a perfect line. It's poetic and startling to the reader, which makes them pay attention.
"I eat an orange, peeled from
north to south, every Sunday."
Also another very good line. Specific and with strong imagery.

The entire poem generates a somewhat wistful and aloof feeling, because although it's a rant, all the examples are poetic.

I like the list at the end, but the numbers seem to break the flow. I'd get a second opinion about how they fit, because the poem might seem off without them. Maybe see how - 's instead of numbers works? Or none at all, and just have the lines.

Overall, very good job! The imagery is excellent; the tone is perfect.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconwaterdrup:
XD I think it's acctually, uhm, cute ^^ somewhere :hug:

--
Lingering in the dark
Nightmares only come at night
They evaporate in sunlight
Just, don't ever die...
:iconaconitum-napellus:
:D Cute? Not profound :O (;-))

--
Wyrd bið ful aræd - The Wanderer
My gallery [link]
My lovely Spock-based Star Trek fiction [link]
dA is for the literary arts, too. :-)
:iconwaterdrup:
lol, yes of course, but in a cute way, it's jealous but not mean... can't explain it better sorry =p

--
Lingering in the dark
Nightmares only come at night
They evaporate in sunlight
Just, don't ever die...
:iconaconitum-napellus:
That's all right - I know what you mean :-)

--
Wyrd bið ful aræd - The Wanderer
My gallery [link]
My lovely Spock-based Star Trek fiction [link]
dA is for the literary arts, too. :-)
:iconwaterdrup:
:hug:

--
Lingering in the dark
Nightmares only come at night
They evaporate in sunlight
Just, don't ever die...
:iconswimmergirl13:
whoa...... you should take it to the papers!!!!! all those famous poets have just been dissed!!!!!

--
Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass
You'd be north

Owl City
If my heart was a house
:heart:
:iconragettisbride:
I like it. Poetry is hard! This is really, really good, though. Scenic, and cynical, very enjoyable! :D

--
"In a world so filled with wonders, humans have managed to invent boredom..."
-Death from the DiscWorld

:blackrose: :kitty: :blackrose:
:iconkyrafritz:
Deep. ^^ I love your deep writings. (( Even though I don't read much on DA ..=( ))

--
:heart: Rommel Für Immer :heart:
Hate the Third Reich? Watch [link]
Minä rakastan kissanpentuja ja kuumia miehiä! :la:
:iconaconitum-napellus:
Thank you :D It's fun being deep - I get people diving into me all the time ;-)

--
Wyrd bið ful aræd - The Wanderer
My gallery [link]
My lovely Spock-based Star Trek fiction [link]
dA is for the literary arts, too. :-)

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